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     LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you  to lead your  person where you want him/her to go.

    DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the  guestroom or the newly upholstered couch in the living  room.

     DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you  don’t. To do  this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad  and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on  their laps.

     SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.  Place your nose  as close as you can to the other dog’s rear end and inhale  deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes  you stop.

     GARBAGE CAN: A container, which your neighbors put out once   a week to  test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and  try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right  you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef  bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

     BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs  to control   body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide  behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside  for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the  bushes and you prance away. 

     DEAFNESS: This is a malady, which affects dogs when their  person wants  them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring  blankly at the person, then running in the opposite  direction, or lying down.

     THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an  end.  Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is   necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling  uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and  following at their heels.

     WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper,  envelopes, and old  candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and  strew the papers all over the house until your person comes  home.

     SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your  whiskers clean.

     BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the  floor, walls and  themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and  frequently.

     LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command ‘sit!’,  especially if  your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly  effective before black-tie events.

     BUMP: The best way to get your human’s attention when they  are drinking  a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

     GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the  Regular Bump  doesn’t get the attention you require... especially  effective when combined with The Sniff. (See above.)

     LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and  without restriction.  The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If  you’re  lucky,  a human will love you in return




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